October 13, 2007

ELOLzabeth: the Catten Age

Posted in Movies at 6:17 pm by The Lizard Queen

In the spirit of Cleolinda Jones’s Movies in Fifteen Minutes (to which this parody owes much, and to which “choppity” and “hor,” in specific, along with some phrasing here and there (go read the Movies in 15 Minutes!!! They rule, plus then you’ll know what I mean!), are homages), only with pure snark instead of loving snark, I have rewritten Elizabeth: the Golden Age in LOLspeak, aka Kitteh. If you think cat (etc.) macros are funny, then I can pretty much guarantee that this will be better than going to see the actual movie. And even if you don’t find cat macros funny, this might well be more enjoyable to you than going to see the actual movie. If nothing else, it’ll take up much less of your time.

A note: I numbered the scenes pretty much just because I felt like it. There are obviously more than ten scenes in the actual movie. Also, it’s possible I got things slightly out of order. Still, I think I covered the major plot points.

Without further ado, then, I give you ELOLzabeth: the Catten Age.

Scene 1: The British palace

WALSINGHAM: Queen, u gotta mary 1 o these honkies.
(Parade of Royal Eligible Bachelors)
ELIZABETH: DO NOT WANT.
(Enter Walter Raleigh, Pirate and Explorer Extraordinaire)
RALEIGH: O hai, I r bringing sexi bak.
ELIZABETH: ZOMG WANT.
BESS (Elizabeth’s favorite lady-in-waiting): ZOMG WANT.
ELIZABETH: I can has Raleigh 2 mary?
WALSINGHAM: Knot.
ELIZABETH: FAIL.

Scene 2: Abroad

KING PHILIP (of and in Spain): Illygtrmat Proterstnt beyotch bes going down.
MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS (aka Mary of the Perpetually Heaving Bosom) (in Scotland): Y u watch me? I bes completely innusent.
GUARD: O but noes, I proteckting u!
MARY: (smiles sweetly, then scurries off to write some covert notes)

Scene 3: The British palace

BESS: U want teh sex?
RALEIGH: Plzkthx!
BESS and RALEIGH: (have sex)
ELIZABETH (elsewhere): WANT.

Scene 4: A church within or near the British palace

ELIZABETH: O hai, I goes 2 pray now.
WHINY TEENAGE ASSASSIN: U dies now kthxbai!
GUN: (fires)
GUN: (was not loaded)
WTA: FAIL.
ELIZABETH: WIN.
WALSINGHAM (elsewhere): Letz see what Scotz queen iz telling peepl 2day.
MARY’S NOTE: Iz times!
WALSINGHAM: WIN.

Scene 5: The British palace

WALSINGHAM: Queen, u gotta syne order 2 kill Merry.
ELIZABETH: Wah! Do not want!
WALSINGHAM: But iz treesun! Iz law!
ELIZABETH: Wah! Do not want!
WALSINGHAM: 4 ur peepl?
ELIZABETH: Wah! Do not want!
ELIZABETH (later, and offscreen IIRC): (signs execution order)

Scene 6: Scotland

MARY: Y u kills me?
GUARD: Treesun.
ELIZABETH (back in England): Changd mynd! Stop teh execyooshun! (runs frantically through the palace trying to find someone who’ll listen to her, but it’s too late anyway)
MARY: (takes off black robe to reveal bright red dress — obviously a signal — and her signature heaving bosom)
MARY (to executioner): I forgives u.
MARY (just before the axe goes choppity): WIN.

Scene 7: Walsingham’s basement of covert note-reading

WALSINGHAM (pondering): Y there wuz no bullit in gun?
PHILIP’S NOTE: Proterstnt beyotch killd innusent Catlick! We makes war now!
WALSINGHAM: FAIL.

Scene 8: The British palace

BESS: Gotta go kthxbai.
ELIZABETH: Whut u hyding?
BESS: Uh-oh. Um, preggers.
ELIZABETH: Iz hiz?
BESS: Um, yah.
ELIZABETH: ZOMGWTFBBQ HOR!!!1!1!!!
RALEIGH: O hai. Bad tyme?
ELIZABETH: TREESUN!! LOCK DEM UP!!
WALSINGHAM: Mebbe not such good idea, Queen.
ELIZABETH: BUT IZ LAW!!
WALSINGHAM, BESS, and RALEIGH: FAIL.

Scene 9: The British coast

Elizabeth ultimately relents and releases Raleigh from prison so he can go fight in the War on the High Seas. She heads out to the battlefield to give a St. Crispin’s Day speech. The Big Battle on the High Seas commences.
LIZARD QUEEN (in audience): I can has symbolizm?
WHITE HORSE (jumping from a Spanish ship and swimming to safety): FREEEEEDUUUUM!!
LION MASTHEAD (smashing into a Spanish ship): RAWR!
LQ: Kthxbai.

Scene 10: 9-ish months later, at the Walsingham home

WALSINGHAM: O hai Queen. I dies now.
ELIZABETH: Kthxbai. (sniffles)
ELIZABETH: (goes to visit the Raleigh family)
BESS and RALEIGH: O hai.
ELIZABETH: I can blessez ur baby?
BESS: Thx. (hands over baby)
BABY: (stops fussing and stares at Elizabeth’s crazy hair in wonderment)
SUBTITLES: Spain falled. England roze and had age o prosperuty. THE END. For now.
EVIL BENDER: CANSUR.
T: SUX.
M: There must b only 1!
LQ: FAIL.

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5 Comments »

  1. Evil Bender said,

    Sadly, I think the movie was WORSE than this makes it out to be.

    The best part was when I took a piss.

  2. luaphacim said,

    Excellent. My response, in a different meme:

    i m in ur base
    watching ur eye-gougingly awful films

  3. Phydeaux said,

    Iz LOL! but no kittehs? I can haz no kittehs…..

  4. gye nyame said,

    I missez yur sence of humorz around here.

    FAIL

  5. Sarah Raleigh said,

    Yes badly made movie. Hey, on the bright side! It had one of my forefathers in it!!! yay me!


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